Agentleboyschapstick

  Oh what we could have had… if you could have held my heart like you held my hand. If you could have seen the madness in the constant criticism, blame, gaslighting and control that strangled and wilted me. In the end I was just doing anything to please you to avoid fights. I became so nervous to say the wrong thing. The madness won. There could never be enough accountability, active listening, apologies, kindness, vulnerability, honesty, forgiveness …. I showed up, I put the work in, I saw my faults and I held yours for as long as I could. You didn’t see yours. It was all so one sided. My love and efforts couldn’t break through your walls. I begged you to do something different. You refused. I left the porch light on… Still haunted 

 I changed my smile. It feels odd and sad because the tooth you so loved is gone. I don’t know why I still care and think about you.. but I do. Your beloved chicklet is gone or rather fixed. You once celebrated that tooth, when I always wish it away. It’s now more perfect (what ever that means) but it is not memorable in any way.  Sigh