Agentleboyschapstick

Do you remember me??  I miss laying on the floor with you. In the tent, the gazebo, at the spa, in my heart.  Eating breakfast with the planes flying over us.. waiting in cake lines. Our next plans, adventures, us… We were real…we were meant to be… We never finished our tree walk, our mysteries… Our plans.  🍁

 Why do I still read your horoscope. I wish I called you on your birthday every year. I think it’s been 3years now. I miss your voice, your smile our adventures and the dreams we were building. I hate how we ended. I  loved you and still do.  This loss. Regardless of its impact and unhealthiness was still everything I wanted. You.. us… I thought we could get there together.  It hurts. I still can’t touch the ground when I think of you and I still crumble that we couldn’t get there.  There wasn’t a better Virgo. I adored you and faced everything for you.  I can’t believe we couldn’t get there together.  The butterflies surround…as does the clicking of your heels. 

 It’s kinda clunky and more odd that I thought.  I am not complaining but what in the fresh hell is this. My friends miss my parke face. It also reminds me of the bliss that love found me in and the one who found it. The one who celebrated my hockey chicklets and now who hasn’t noticed. 

Lover… Gosh  I miss our letters. The anticipation of our mysteries. The tiny wonderful things that fill all of our days as we fumbled through our the mishaps and desperation of me not being ready for you and us and the scabs and scars and haunts and regrets of my fuckups, downfalls, ignorance, desperation and lack of accountability and everything.  So ya. I did that.. it was me.  Ugh this little maple leaf really fuck it up. 

 I wish we could have just talked… instead of me fumbling through the swampiness of your blame, gas lighting and your unrealistic expectations. You never considered me and never considered your role in our demise.You were never accountable for your behaviours. I showed up, I was accountable, curious, vulnerable, authentic and brave. I owned my shit and was always ready to work through anything with you   I was yours. Until I became someone neither of us knew. Not fair….. My heart hurts 

  Oh what we could have had… if you could have held my heart like you held my hand. If you could have seen the madness in the constant criticism, blame, gaslighting and control that strangled and wilted me. In the end I was just doing anything to please you to avoid fights. I became so nervous to say the wrong thing. The madness won. There could never be enough accountability, active listening, apologies, kindness, vulnerability, honesty, forgiveness …. I showed up, I put the work in, I saw my faults and I held yours for as long as I could. You didn’t see yours. It was all so one sided. My love and efforts couldn’t break through your walls. I begged you to do something different. You refused. I left the porch light on… Still haunted