Agentleboyschapstick

 It’s kinda clunky and more odd that I thought.  I am not complaining but what in the fresh hell is this. My friends miss my parke face. It also reminds me of the bliss that love found me in and the one who found it. The one who celebrated my hockey chicklets and now who hasn’t noticed. 

Lover… Gosh  I miss our letters. The anticipation of our mysteries. The tiny wonderful things that fill all of our days as we fumbled through our the mishaps and desperation of me not being ready for you and us and the scabs and scars and haunts and regrets of my fuckups, downfalls, ignorance, desperation and lack of accountability and everything.  So ya. I did that.. it was me.  Ugh this little maple leaf really fuck it up. 

 I wish we could have just talked… instead of me fumbling through the swampiness of your blame, gas lighting and your unrealistic expectations. You never considered me and never considered your role in our demise.You were never accountable for your behaviours. I showed up, I was accountable, curious, vulnerable, authentic and brave. I owned my shit and was always ready to work through anything with you   I was yours. Until I became someone neither of us knew. Not fair….. My heart hurts 

  Oh what we could have had… if you could have held my heart like you held my hand. If you could have seen the madness in the constant criticism, blame, gaslighting and control that strangled and wilted me. In the end I was just doing anything to please you to avoid fights. I became so nervous to say the wrong thing. The madness won. There could never be enough accountability, active listening, apologies, kindness, vulnerability, honesty, forgiveness …. I showed up, I put the work in, I saw my faults and I held yours for as long as I could. You didn’t see yours. It was all so one sided. My love and efforts couldn’t break through your walls. I begged you to do something different. You refused. I left the porch light on… Still haunted 

 I changed my smile. It feels odd and sad because the tooth you so loved is gone. I don’t know why I still care and think about you.. but I do. Your beloved chicklet is gone or rather fixed. You once celebrated that tooth, when I always wish it away. It’s now more perfect (what ever that means) but it is not memorable in any way.  Sigh

I wish our letters could have held us. Protected our love and our crime investigations.  The postal service.. our cute lil love story.  I miss my mistakes, our curious adventures, our dreams, the fear of trusting me/us… the lovely life we deserved.  It all hurts. Sadness is easy when it felt so one sided.